In October we talked about the example of making dinner in a Gold and non-Gold (NG) relationship. But the end of the eating part isn’t the end of the story. What happens after that is just as important as the pre-dinner!
Golds function through to-do lists. Dinner is a multi-step to-do list. There’s the shopping, then the planning, the prep and the actual having dinner. But the next steps on that SAME to-do list are just as critical.
Pop quiz: When is dinner over? If your answer is when you’re don eating you’re wrong – so wrong:
Golds can’t relax, chat, or visit at the dinner table. Their eyes and mind are solely focused on the dirty dishes. If it’s just your family, it’s a little easier. If it’s a dinner party, the stress level before, during and after is much higher. In those cases, you as the NG can be a huge help: When your guests arrive, keep them away from the kitchen and “interfering” with Goldie. After dinner, get your company out of the dining area as soon as possible. Yes, your “job” can be to just relocate them to the living room, back yard, rec room – whatever – just away from the dining room and kitchen. If you just handle the critical part of hosting (not quarterbacking – you cannot be making any changes to the plan) you will have been a huge help.
This will allow Goldie (and probably another Gold over for dinner) to clear the table, load the dishwasher and put everything away. Goldie will let someone help with the removal and stuff that needs to be cleaned in the sink. Just not the putting away stuff or loading the dishwasher…It’s only then that the to-do list is finished. Cleaning up IS part of the dinner – that’s not negotiable.
If it’s just your family, Goldie has a lot less stress or need to make it all perfect or impressive. But that doesn’t change the basics. In our family, our Gold mothers’ rule was that whoever makes dinner does not do the cleaning – period. Sure, she’d go back in the kitchen after us to re-arrange stuff, but we had to do the basic work. As an NG, that would be a great help and measurable way to show your love or caring for Goldie! It’ll get you major Goldie points in the bank and will let Goldie relax a bit. Just don’t half donkey it! Do it the Goldie way – it’ll be worth it.
The to-do list continues with running the dishwasher and, in a perfect world, unloading it and putting everything away. If that can be accomplished you have no idea of the high Golds get from seeing a perfectly clean kitchen and empty dishwasher! Then comes the double-checking stuff for the morning, not forgetting to put this and that at the back door or into the car, lunch for the kids, double checking homework, this or that, reminding the NGs to not forget this or that, figuring out what to wear tomorrow (yes, Golds do not live in this moment – they live in the next moment.)
Three more quick insights:
-Yes, there are tons of Gold/Gold relationships. But Golds typically do not share a to-do list. Both have their own responsibilities. Usually one takes over the kitchen, one does the bills, one the yardwork, car maintenance or whatever. So if you’re the not-kitchen person, you’re the NG in this!
-Asking if you can do anything is good for the first two weeks or so of living together. After that, you should know and the question becomes insulting to Goldie. Learn what YOUR to-do list is and just do it unless you are told differently. If that’s still a problem, send me the video of pre-during and post dinner cleanup and I’ll do an analysis like a football or hockey break-down for you with slow-mo, replays and arrows here and there of what you ought to be doing or avoiding…
-Deepening your relationship or having a big fight are two sides of the same coin. And I would suggest they don’t happen over one-off big things as much as dozens of tiny things. This is usually an area where you can grow a relationship in five or ten minutes of consistent help to Goldie. If you don’t believe me, have Goldie read this and take notes on his or her feedback of what you can, should or cannot do to help.