This is part one of an e-mail SOS from the parents of an Orange daughter that’s worth sharing. If you have an Orange daughter, depending on her age, get ready, know that you’re not alone in the middle of this, or think back on how you made it through those years if she’s older now.
The parents email: Seems there is a complex social dynamic with lots of misinformation going around. She seems completely engaged in the gossip, but almost never acting on it. I can’t say I understand. We try to be supportive, but it’s difficult and issues often spill over into the family causing problems at home. When things don’t go well at school, she will often take it out on us. Around the house she is very unapproachable and quick to lash out with name calling and blame. The way she tells it, her friends often spread rumors about her.
Yikes! OK, firstly, some basics. I am not a psychologist and don’t know your family. I do know a lot about personality types. So I can give you some feedback, but will skip having every sentence include the words: could, maybe, often, typically, can, might, etc. When you read that “she will be very…” or whatever, remember that it may not apply to your daughter. I would have no way of knowing. You’re Gold/Green, your wife and youngest son are Blue, and your daughter is Orange/Green. That’s some pretty complex family dynamics and interactions.
The four Colors chapters in the book should have given you some insights into what makes each group tick. After all, you can’t change the wind (her) but you can change your sails (how you react, deal with it, minimize it, add fuel to the fire, protect your Blue son from it, etc.) Your Gold wants this off the “to do list” and it isn’t going to come off anytime soon. Unfortunately, you and your wife haven’t done the seminar where you’d have seen a dozen Oranges exactly like your daughter – at any age, at any maturity level, in any position from sales to VPs to huge numbers of entrepreneurs. In other words, much of this is just being a teenage girl, other parts are being fortunate enough that she’s Orange…although it’ll be some years before you will appreciate all her talents and skills. Until then, you can impact some things around the margins, but parts of it you may have to “ride it out” as they will change, diminish or disappear after high school, so it might be two years.
Oranges thrive on chaos. When things run smooth, even at work, they can stir something up – it’s an adrenaline rush and a lot of fun. After all, you can’t be a firefighter if there isn’t a fire… When their second Color is Blue (deep feelings) they’ll tone it down a lot – but your daughter doesn’t function through intuition. She’s not concerned about feelings, where the shrapnel lands, or how deep it goes. Oranges are driven to win. It’s in their DNA. Most arguments, every baseball game, every card game, every fight. The don’t fight fair – they fight to win. Again, no Blue as a second Color means much less moderation or dialing it back. The most dangerous combination for this is Orange/Green. Oranges live for today – they’ll forget the fight, the argument, or their friends’ issues by tomorrow. Greens remember things forever. Plus, Greens have the sarcasm, wit and depth to make the Orange drive of wanting to win stick. With that combination, others don’t stand much a chance.
In school, for all kids, there’s a lot of drama and relationship dynamics. They’re trapped in a pretty small world where they interact with each other all the time and all day long. If it were college or work, they could go days without seeing each other, and it would cure itself (when her Orange forgets about it and moves on). Maybe her friends spread rumors – but everything an Orange (or any) teenager says has to be divided by 10. From how well they did at something, to how much they contributed in the baseball game, to how many/how bad the rumors were. Back to the drama and stirring things up: Any Orange will get more sympathy, allies, supporters, etc. if they exaggerate whatever it is in their favor (the win part). That way, if there’s a vote on who is “right” (wins) and who is to blame (loses) – she’d win the vote hands down. Life is a daily roller coaster (back to the drama, stirring things up, etc.) and every day is a different roller coaster – it’s actually a lot of fun for her in the middle of it all. It feeds her Orange drama and her super-sharp Green thinks of it as a three-dimensional chess game to (at least think) she comes out on top in the “win,” the “vote,” and support… I’ll post part II in the next newsletter.